tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post4308682608238885619..comments2023-10-22T11:02:24.112-04:00Comments on Stephanie Diaz: Pitch On Workshop - HATINGStephanie Diazhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10606180983300679986noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-63608181977228807592022-08-05T21:30:59.964-04:002022-08-05T21:30:59.964-04:00Grreat reading your blog postGrreat reading your blog postPueblo Security Systemhttps://www.home-security-alarm.com/us/alarm-system-colorado/pueblo-security-system.shtmlnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-12765544494894471512012-10-12T08:09:13.928-04:002012-10-12T08:09:13.928-04:00Hi, Sounds like a powerful story! I agree you coul...Hi, Sounds like a powerful story! I agree you could split up that first run on sentence and the pitch would be "pitchier" :D My other concern is that there are some cliches that might need reworking- the idea can stay the same but the voice could be fresher. To me the following two bits fall into that category "Overwhelmed by grief and guilt" and "he must come to terms with the past and find a way to face the future"<br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10128802549435853330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-50354376538840704612012-10-11T09:09:54.499-04:002012-10-11T09:09:54.499-04:00Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'll defini...Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'll definitely look at that first sentence and trying to inject more voice into the pitch.<br /><br />DeeDee Whitehttp://deescribewriting.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-86917674867945183442012-10-04T02:34:52.925-04:002012-10-04T02:34:52.925-04:0035,000 is plenty long for a verse novel. Your pitc...35,000 is plenty long for a verse novel. Your pitch give s clear picture of what this book is about but it lacks "voice". It feels formal 'Juvenile Justice Center" instead of "Juvie". 'Overwhelmed by grief' feels like a cliche.<br /><br />It needs a bit moreAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-73259712245522621652012-10-03T16:41:56.125-04:002012-10-03T16:41:56.125-04:00It sounds like you are tackling some great subject...It sounds like you are tackling some great subject matter and the premise sounds interesting.<br /><br />The first thing that stood out to me has already been mentioned, but I am concerned the word count may be too low.<br />Also, it seems like youv have done well fitting the important pitch info in, but it could maybe be a little cleaner. Maybe try to break that first sentence up.<br /><br />Wishibg you the best of luck :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10656368340547599511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-32951811132863155982012-10-03T14:21:23.055-04:002012-10-03T14:21:23.055-04:00I agree that the first sentence runs a little long...I agree that the first sentence runs a little long, but I like that it has everything. Really, the sencond sentence is a bit redundant, so maybe split sentence # 1 into two and delete your current 2nd sentence?<br />Good luck! This sounds interesting!<br />Craig Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-54408232096130018922012-10-03T01:52:08.644-04:002012-10-03T01:52:08.644-04:00Thanks everyone,
I love your suggestions. Thanks ...Thanks everyone,<br /><br />I love your suggestions. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my pitch and help me improve it.<br /><br />Good luck to everyone else with pitches.<br /><br />Dee:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-29477872219492690002012-10-02T17:41:41.493-04:002012-10-02T17:41:41.493-04:00This is really close. I think you just need to mov...This is really close. I think you just need to move some things around to make it a little more clear and concise. Great start and a great premise! Laurie Litwinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-81652486456222958472012-10-02T08:10:49.939-04:002012-10-02T08:10:49.939-04:00Sounds amazing! Yeah I agree with the above commen...Sounds amazing! Yeah I agree with the above comments, the pitch needs to be so much stronger. The whole concept of death and destruction in a car is a very real topic that many teenagers of today will find interesting and relevant. I love the hint of self destruction, I think it's great. Well done, great concept!Michaelanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-11655219475386788872012-10-02T04:54:57.692-04:002012-10-02T04:54:57.692-04:00I don't know about the word count, my knowledg...I don't know about the word count, my knowledge of verse novels is very limited. It does sound like you have a gritty manuscript. I agree with both Stephanie and VikLit, the pitch could be reworked so that it packs a stronger punch. <br /><br />Good luck!Jess Schirahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04930756756945812094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7973108510802828805.post-24836714223433781252012-10-02T03:12:24.143-04:002012-10-02T03:12:24.143-04:00I am intrigued by the sound of a YA novel in verse...I am intrigued by the sound of a YA novel in verse and really wish you luck with this. Very interested to know if the word count is okay for verse. I think the reworked suggestion above is a good one, my only comment is that I'd like little more of a hook here - I understand it's a novel about coming to terms but I'm not feeling the tension of that at the moment, I'm just assuming yes he will. Does he have no access to music in the centre, is he not wanting to do it...perhaps we need more a hint that he was responsible for the brother's death if he feels guilt? A nitpick as I think the reworked suggestion above works and have little to add, but upping the tension a bit would help for me. Good luck!VikLithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12675200811539358961noreply@blogger.com