2am Worries

A year from now, I'll be a college graduate. I'll have a bachelor's degree in film production. Where I will live? What I will do?

I have no idea.

A year ago, I thought I knew. I'd graduate with a film degree, drive off to Hollywood, and work my way up until I could direct motion pictures (while writing novels on the side).

Only, it hit me sometime in the past two semesters -- between the hours spent in the library trying to write 5000 words per day and the hours spent writing, directing, and editing student films -- that what I wrote up there in parenthesis doesn't belong in parenthesis. Writing is what I love to do more than anything, and it's my dream to do that for a living.

I'm not sure I want to be a film director anymore.

It's not that I don't love filmmaking. I love the energy on set and that magic moment when a shot is played back and a story comes to life on screen. But my adoration for film is less than my passion for telling stories with the written word. This past semester, it was hard to switch focus from the novel I was hard at work on to making a short film for a class, even though that film was crazy fun to make. On set, amidst the sweat, the tears, and the awesomeness of directing a movie, that novel was still tugging at the back of my mind.

It wasn't the same in reverse. When I was in writing mode, that was all I cared about.

My dilemma, then, is: what will I do if my book doesn't sell, if I don't make it big enough that writing can become the focus of my working career? There's no way that'll happen in a year. I'll have to find some other way to support myself enough to live and get my own apartment or house. When I graduate, I can still move to Hollywood and try to get into the film industry...I'm just not sure that's what I want anymore.

I want to travel the world. I want to see Europe and New Zealand (Hobbiton). I want to live in NYC for a while. I want to marry and have kids. I want to hitch a ride to the stars if when the technology becomes available. I want to be in a musical. I want to see my book in print.

In the meantime, in a year's time when I graduate and have to figure out how to fund all these endeavors...

I don't know.

But maybe I don't have to worry. Everything in my life, from minor worries to major things, has always had a funny way of working out.

Two weeks ago, I was about to give up on my book. And then I landed an agent.

So, we'll see.